Teenage Wasteland
by PhoenixAS Comics
Summary: Snake and the boys are living with Big Boss. The old man does everything possible to humiliate his sons, Liquid's sexuality is questioned and devious schemes galore. Uh, SnakeMeryl... god...
1. Parental Neglect

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. Well, I own the idea of the house.  
  
-  
  
Teenage Wasteland  
  
A day as usual in the Snake residence. The old man had tried to get the three of them jobs, unsuccessfully. Apparently no one wanted violent misfit teens and the english. Their resumes were as follows:  
  
Solid Snake: I've never had a job, and I have no background history. If I did, I'd have to kill you. Maybe I should anyway... ah crap, I wrote that down. Freaking pen!  
  
Liquid Snake: I'm an expert linguist and I came pretty damn close to dominating the world. Bloody Metal Gear's nuke wouldn't fire. I'm also a people person, and I like to help fellow man.  
  
Solidus Snake: I'm going to be voted President for Christ's sakes! Gimme the job! Presidential material here! Job me! PS, screw the Patriots.  
  
See why they aren't getting any jobs? Well back to the present. Big Boss usually just sat around watching his porn and getting drunk with 17 year old Gray Fox. He's like the son he actually wanted. Would enjoy ruling the world, is insanely violent and can take nine shots of whiskey and stay in his feet.   
  
-Chapter 1-  
  
Big Boss' Place, Kitchen.The boys are teens. All of them. Some of the girls too.  
  
Snake: Who drank all my whiskey?!  
  
Liquid: Oh, piss off you bloody ponce. I did you a favour, you know how you get when you drink! Besides, you're 17.  
  
Solidus: (reading the newspaper) Yeah, and the chances of him waking up nude in bed with you just dropped.  
  
Liquid: You sodding wanker! I'd kill you if it wasn't for the fact that you pay for most of the rent!  
  
Snake: And we'd kick your ass if you tried.  
  
Liquid: You maybe, but HE was killed by the oh so infamous Jack.  
  
Solidus: You SOB, I'll tear you a new one!  
  
Their old man walked in, one of the missing whiskey in hand.  
  
Big Boss: No fighting in my home! If your mother was around to see this, she'd spank the lot of you.  
  
Solidus: Mom's dead?! Why God, WHY?!  
  
  
  
He proceeded to break down and sob.  
  
Snake: Did he ever actually meet mom?  
  
Liquid: Did any of us, dad excluded?  
  
Big Boss: (takes a large swig) I never knew her, actually.  
  
Solidus, totally recovered: Really? Can you tell us the story of how you met?  
  
Big Boss: Fine.   
  
Solidus: Alright, story time.  
  
Liquid: Dear God...  
  
Snake: Hey, it's a story coming from the old man. All his stories involve sex and alcohol.  
  
Liquid: Sex stories, while good, don't have the same effect coming from ones father.  
  
Snake: ... Sex and alcohol.  
  
Liquid: Sex, alcohol, and FATHER.  
  
Solidus: Mother too. Shut up, dim the lights, it's story time.  
  
Big Boss. I'll start then... well right after calling a queer.  
  
Solidus: The hell?!  
  
Big Boss: It was the eighties, I was in mid fifties. I had managed to swift talk a Bond fan working as a bouncer that I was, in fact, Sean Connery. I got in free, and all the booze was half off. I put this to use, and drank down my $100.00 bill like a fish. I woke up the next morning in bed with two things, your mother and one hell of a hangover. I took an Advil, pulled up my pants and ran my ass out of there faster than George is off his feet with the men.   
  
Solidus: Why the hell am I always the one on the receiving end of these!?  
  
Big Boss: You're the oldest. She rang me up in a few months with the news that I had knocked her up good. I asked how the hell she knew my phone number. Turns out she's a stalker into older men. After seeing George get pushed out of her body like the way he enjoys things being pushed in his, I was off the bottle for two years. When I finally shook it out of my system, I went a boozing. I woke in bed with your mother, hangover and all. Dave and the blond one came out less than a year later, and a drunk shot me in the pills. Needless to say I was rendered sterile, like the three of you, and your mother quit stalking me.   
  
Snake: Good story, aside from th parent's sex.  
  
The other two weren't as impressed.   
  
Solidus: You're going to damage me psychologically, you realize that,  
  
Liquid: The blond one? I have a bloody name!  
  
Big Boss: And the answer is..?  
  
Liquid: (crosses his arms) Confidential.   
  
Big Boss: They messed with your brain after getting the Arabic brainwashing out, didn't they?  
  
Liquid: ...  
  
Big Boss: ...  
  
Snake: ...  
  
Solidus: HEY! That birth story meant that I'm gay!  
  
Big Boss: ..?  
  
Liquid: ..?  
  
Snake: Not at all, really.  
  
Solidus: My bad. I tend to over think things.  
  
Liquid: Like nuclear war machines.  
  
Solidus: All I said was that a coffee machine in it would be a good idea! Damn Metal Gears, can't fit in Tim Horton's drive through.  
  
Big Boss: What did I tell you about Canadian coffee? It's evil!  
  
Snake: That was Canadian bacon, you said the coffee is actually Canada's leading crack market.  
  
Big Boss: Then what the hell did I say about the Leaf's Jerseys?  
  
Liquid: You never brought it up, actually.   
  
Big Boss: That's nice. Groceries, now.  
  
Snake: ... we have to pay for them, don't we?  
  
Big Boss: Not we, my boy, you.  
  
Snake: Wha- why!?  
  
Big Boss: I mentally abuse George, I deprive you of all forms of money and I totally ignore Liquid.  
  
Liquid: Ha! So you know I exist!  
  
Big Boss: (feigns surprise) Who the hell are you?  
  
Liquid: ... I'll be enjoying the satellite dish in my room.   
  
He walks off.  
  
Big Boss: I blocked off all your porn.   
  
Liquid: Dammit!!  
  
Solidus: What about mine?  
  
Big Boss: I only left the hetero for you.  
  
Solidus: While that is technically a good thing... you are a bastard for implying I'm a homosexual.  
  
Big Boss: Hey Dave, you may want to pick up some tampons. George seems to be on the rag.   
  
Solidus: That's it, I'm going to my room, you... you old fart!  
  
Big Boss: IN THE GARAGE, SMART ASS!  
  
Solidus: Yes sir...  
  
Snake: Well, I'm off.  
  
He proceeds to leave. A bullet hole appears in the ground every 5 feet to his car. He gets in and drives off.  
  
Patriot Sniper: Dammit, I need a scope! Frigging welfare secret government.  
  
Another sniper picks him off.  
  
Patriot Sniper2: Sweet, now I get two paychecks.  
  
A stealth shadow appears behind him and takes his head off.  
  
Stealth Shadow: A teenage ninja is more dangerous than a sniper!  
  
[GROCERY STORE]  
  
Snake: Damn groceries... should have brought a list.   
  
He cruises the aisles and picks up whatever interests him, by the time he reaches the cashier, he has a case of Coors Lite, a pack of fries, three boxes of burgers and a block of butter. And the tampons.  
  
Snake: That ought to keep us going for a couple days.  
  
Woman: Hey Snake!  
  
Snake: Meryl! Where have you been?  
  
Meryl: Heavy pre production of a movie I'm going to star in.  
  
Snake: Movie!? ... Porn?  
  
Meryl: Err, no. It's actually an action.  
  
Snake: Do you get naked in it?  
  
Meryl: No.  
  
Snake: Want to do something tonight that may involve you getting naked?  
  
Meryl: I'll show up at your place at around nine.  
  
Snake: Sweet!  
  
She leaves.  
  
Snake: Alright, I'm getting laid. Yup... and at my place too... my place... CRAP!  
  
Annoying Voice: A recipe for disaster, what will the little Snake do?  
  
Snake: Shut up Fatass, and quit making constant references to food!  
  
Fat Man: You dare?? I'll pop your heal like a rising souffle!  
  
Snake: Again with the food.   
  
Fat Man: I eat because people like you depress me!  
  
Snake: Let's skip the sentimental part and you just start stuffing your face.  
  
Fat Man: Why you... (breaks down and starts to eat)  
  
Snake: Christ...   
  
[BACK HOME]  
  
Liquid: (eating a bowl of Cereal) Ah, happy time with my Cocoa Puffs. Yup, nothing can ruin the moment.  
  
The doorbell goes off.  
  
Liquid: Crap.   
  
Big Boss' voice: Answer the bloody door, I'm enjoying this video of Wolf.  
  
Liquid: You found my movie!?  
  
Big Boss: Like I didn't know your room had a flimsy ceiling.   
  
Liquid: (get's the door) What? Is this a prank.  
  
There's no one there. Liquid get's knocked back.  
  
Liquid: The hell? Who's out there?!!   
  
Silence.  
  
Liquid: Hm... back to my Cocoa Puffs. Yup, nothing like my Cocoa- HOLY CRAP!!!  
  
The bowl of Cereal is empty.  
  
Liquid: My cereal! You bastard, show yourself!  
  
An invisible fist knocks him over.  
  
Liquid: Arg, the Jaeger!  
  
Stealth Shadow: (drops his stealth) So Liquid, how long is Snake going to be out?  
  
Liquid: How in the Hell should I know?  
  
Fox: Just wondering. Can't get a good fight out of anyone else.   
  
Liquid: Oh really?  
  
Fox: Yup. Why, you been hitting the weights?  
  
Liquid: Would you like to see?  
  
Fox: (knocks him off his feet) Looks like that's a no. Hey, where's Solidus?  
  
Liquid: You want to take on my big brother? You got a concussion last time you tried!  
  
Fox: Ah yes... the pain... the medicine...  
  
Liquid: Medicine? Are you being drugged?  
  
Fox: Nope, got a cold. Good cereal, pansy.  
  
Liquid: Watch your mouth or I'll crack your numb skull in.  
  
Fox: (smacks him) Make me feel it...  
  
Liquid: But I can't, you're my dad's best drinking buddy.  
  
Fox: That's alright. I bet your too much of a pansy to handle me anyways, aren't you, momma's boy?  
  
Liquid: What- Say that again!  
  
Fox: I would, but I'm afraid I'd overload that pea brain of yours.  
  
Liquid: ... (scratches the back of his head while he deduces what Fox just said) Take that back!  
  
Fox: Hit me!  
  
Liquid: That's it, your going down! (pulls a knife out of the cabinet) GLADIATOR!!  
  
[LATER]  
  
Snake: (kicks the door in) Crap, Meryl's coming down! Liquid, help me clean up all this blood and... blood? What the hell happened?  
  
Liquid: (eating his cereal) I'm not going to deny it, I killed the Fox.  
  
Snake: What the shit?! You killed Fox?  
  
Big Boss: YOU DID WHAT?!  
  
He kicks in the door to the kitchen.   
  
Big Boss: Frankie, where are you?!  
  
Fox: Taking a crap. Fighting the blond guy got boring so I replaced myself with a ham and walked off.  
  
Big Boss: Ah, relief. (smacks Liquid)  
  
Liquid: Arg, my head.  
  
Big Boss: Never attack Frankie again, he's my only son!  
  
Snake: Actually dad, you have three. He isn't even one of us.  
  
Big Boss: Unfortunately. I'm stuck with you.   
  
Snake: Ouch.  
  
Fox: (enters the room) Big Boss, sir. Hey Snake! Wanna beat the shit out of each other?!  
  
Snake: Not today, I've got a date!  
  
Fox: Alright, let's do- WHAT?! You're not going to take me on???  
  
Snake: I'm getting laid!  
  
Liquid: You're what!?  
  
Big Boss: That's my boy.  
  
Snake: I thought you hated me?  
  
Big Boss: Shut up boy.  
  
Snake: Damn... gotta go get ready.   
  
He leaves.  
  
Fox: No fight... no pain... must kill Vamp.  
  
Liquid: No, wait!  
  
Fox: Alright then... maim Ocelot. All good.  
  
Liquid: We can screw Snake's date over royally!   
  
Fox: I'm listening...   
  
Liquid: No your not, you're stabbing your arm with a knife!  
  
Fox: A dull one.  
  
Liquid: You can use your stealth to ruin the date horribly!! Snake'll never know what happened!  
  
Fox: Or... I can track down and murder Snake's girl incognito. Snake will never know.  
  
Liquid: Why do you want to murder everyone?  
  
Big Boss: Don't mess with something that's already perfect. I'm in, let's embarrass the crap our of Snake.  
  
Fox: And molest his girl.  
  
Big Boss: No rape and no murder in this house.  
  
Fox: Crap.  
  
*  
  
*  
  
Will their evil plot to ruin Snake's date succeed? I don't know, I haven't gotten that far yet. Review the answer to me... or whatever. I'll choose myself. 


	2. Colon blow and drunk Meryl

Disclaimer: See previous disclaimer. Here's a link: www.upyours.com   
  
Teenage Wasteland   
  
Chapter 2  
  
[Snake's room]   
  
Snake's room is in disarray. Or, in English, it's damn messed. Clothes all over the place, a PS2 in front of his TV, plates and the like scattered around.  
  
Snake: Crap-crap-crap! What the hell am I going to wear?   
  
Snake's Mind: Jeans.  
  
Snake: The hell?  
  
Snake's Mind: Wear the jeans. And a T shirt. And boxers. You wear boxers, right?  
  
Snake: (unzips his pants) Yup.   
  
Snake's Mind: Good to hear. How's that rash doing?  
  
Snake: Err, good, good. How's the ADD coming along?  
  
Snake's Mind: Dude! We have the same name!  
  
Snake: You're my mind.  
  
Snake's Mind: I'm not a character? Nooooo....  
  
Snake: Mind? MIIIIIIND!!  
  
Big Boss' Voice: Shut up, we're plotting against you in here!!  
  
Snake: Okay dad... plotting against me?  
  
Liquid's Voice: Quit! You aren't supposed to let him in on it!  
  
Fox's Voice: Can't we just kill–  
  
Liquid's Voice: No killing!!!  
  
Fox's Voice: Bakayaro!!  
  
Big Boss' Voice: Frankie, we call people dumbasses around here.  
  
Fox's Voice: There's a good reason, right?  
  
Big Boss' Voice: You've met my sons, right?  
  
Fox's Voice: Touche.   
  
Snake: The hell? Hey mind, should I bring a pack of smokes, or a condom?  
  
...  
  
Snake: Damn, forgot! Alright... smokes! (Pockets the pack)  
  
He leaves the room and sees Big Boss, Liquid and Fox decked out in military attire.  
  
Big Boss: Snake's having Meryl over at around nine o'clock, and will most likely bring her to the cleanest place in the house, George's room, to avoid the crap and family that litters the house.  
  
Liquid: We litter the house?  
  
Big Boss: (smacks him with a pointer) No speaking out of turn! We'll strike him here- (points at a map, the kitchen) and here! (smacks the equivalent of the washroom) Any questions?  
  
Liquid: Why the washroom??  
  
Big Boss: Good question. (smacks him) We'll have Frankie here, who's stuffed on beans, crap his pants in the most horrible way possible when either of them uses it. The other will be disgusted.   
  
Fox: An honour, sir.   
  
Liquid: He spoke!  
  
Big Boss: (smacks him) Live with it! Now, if it IS Dave in the washroom, you punch his nose in.  
  
Fox: Sweet, teach him to skip a round with me.  
  
Big Boss: And I've also poured Colon Blow into Snake's glass at dinner. Mine's a sweet, sweet coke that Snake loves so much.   
  
Snake: (sneaks back into his room) Like I'll fall for that. I've got a plan of my own...  
  
[Back in the livingroom]  
  
Fox: (drops a Directional Microphone) He bought it.  
  
Big Boss: Excellent. Liquid, got the girls drink ready?  
  
Liquid: Yup, enough tequila to drop Fox.   
  
Fox: Hey, I brought a bottle of it with me, on that topic.  
  
Liquid: (shifty eyes) No you didn't.   
  
Fox: Yes... I did.  
  
Liquid: Bloody exoskeleton mainframe memory... thing.   
  
Fox: It chafes my balls.  
  
Big Boss: Too bad George isn't around, he would have enjoyed hearing that.  
  
The front door gets kicked in. Solidus, looking disgruntled steps in.  
  
Big Boss: Speaking of the devil. Or rather, fruity son who fails at politics.  
  
Solidus: Let's see you be President.   
  
Big Boss: I own a damn country you little date rape reject!  
  
Solidus: (sniffles) That's hurting my feelings...  
  
Fox: Like Vamp without the lube?  
  
Solidus: Yup, just like– DAMMIT! Hell with this, I'm going to my room.  
  
Liquid: NO!  
  
Solidus: You can't keep me from my room!  
  
Fox: What he meant was... wanna fight?  
  
Big Boss: Way to take one for the team.  
  
Fox: Well, one of us had to.  
  
Liquid: Prick.  
  
Solidus: Take one for the team? What the hell are you talking about?  
  
Fox: Fight, now!  
  
Solidus: (grabs him via tentacle and zaps the crap out of him) Done already? Haha! Didn't even have to crack the wall off your head!  
  
Liquid: Don't you mean had off of wall?  
  
Solidus: Not in my past experiences.   
  
Fox: Damn... he's got a better suit. (starts to twitch) Ah hell, my suit short circuited.  
  
Big Boss: George, here's a $50. Watch a movie or something.  
  
Solidus: Sweet. See the lot of you in hell!!  
  
Big Boss: My idea of Hell has you in it!  
  
Solidus: Dammit!  
  
He leaves.  
  
Fox: Way to take one for the team sir.  
  
Big Boss: Yup, that means we all did. Every single one of us.  
  
Liquid: What about me?  
  
Big Boss: Who the hell are you?  
  
Liquid: Why must you bloody torture me like this?!  
  
Big Boss: Because I hate you, Trebek.  
  
Fox: Huh, that was one hell of a blatant rip off.  
  
Big Boss: Shut the hell up before I rip your wires from your ass, and feed them back through your mouth!  
  
Fox: Yes sir (shudders)  
  
Liquid: Yeah you tell him dad!  
  
Big Boss: Be quiet you English imposter!  
  
Liquid: If you guys rip on me 40-60 more times I'm gonna do something about it..  
  
Fox: What are you gonna do? Cry to your boy friend!?  
  
Big Boss: Oooh! Nice burn! (gives fox a high five)  
  
Liquid: (starts to sob and runs) Dammit, where's Raven when I need him?  
  
Big Boss: Probably with a photo of you. What he's doing I'll leave to your imagination.  
  
Fox: Alright, let's set up for this evening... MuaHaHAhaahahahaAHHAA!!!  
  
Big Boss: He still needs to work on that.  
  
  
  
[Later that evening, in the kitchen]  
  
  
  
Snake sneaks into the room, decked out full camo, and rolls behind a chair. His arms reach up to the table and swaps his glass with Big Boss', then mixes Liquid's and Big Boss' drinks together. He then rolls out of the kitchen, crawls beside the couch to avoid being seen, pick up and hides under it. He sets up a series of mines and chaff grenade in the washroom, so whoever goes in gets either blown the hell up, or if Fox has his infrared on, get's chaffed into a psycho dance, THEN blown the hell up.   
  
Snake: Perfect. Tonight's going to go over perfectly. I can see it now, me and Meryl enjoying our... (shifty eyes) love with Fox's and dad's screams on the wind.   
  
Snake's Mind: Dude, I'm back.  
  
Snake: Don't need your sorry ass anymore.  
  
Snake's Mind: Damn, man.  
  
[Later that evening... again]  
  
Fox drops out of his stealth, Snake having left a half hour before, and surveys the kitchen. Snake's glass is pumped full of laxatives, Meryl's is morethan half tequila, Liquid and the old man's are half coke, half orange juice.  
  
Fox: Damn, orange coke. Yup, it's all set. Wait a minute, where's my drink?   
  
Naomi: (over the codec) Hey Frankie, I got an A+ on my math test.  
  
Fox: Good enough, I guess. As long as your passing.   
  
Naomi: (over the codec) I made supper, it's chicken stir fry!  
  
Fox: ... I'm going to be... late tonight.   
  
Naomi: (over the codec) How late?  
  
Fox: ... how late is Nastasha on her period?  
  
Naomi: (over the codec) Pretty damn late. Oh, right! Natasha (his girl from Metal Gear 2) called, and I sent her over.  
  
Fox: Wha- Damn!!   
  
Naomi: (over the codec) Gotta go, supper's getting burnt.   
  
Fox: May as well tell the Boss...  
  
[Even later that evening]  
  
The doorbell rings.  
  
Snake: I'll get it!  
  
Big Boss: Go get yourself, you little bastard.  
  
Fox: ...  
  
Big Boss: Yes, I have protection.  
  
Fox: ..?  
  
Big Boss: Stole it from Dave.  
  
Fox: Score!  
  
Big Boss: Shut the hell up.  
  
Fox: Sir...  
  
Snake: (opens the door) Hey Meryl!  
  
Meryl: Hey Snake!  
  
Natasha: Hey Snake!  
  
Snake: Hey... do I know you?  
  
Natasha: I'm Frank's girlfriend.  
  
Snake: Meh?  
  
Natasha: You know, half Vietnamese, drinks like a fish, half of the time he's conscious he's drunk.  
  
Snake: Oh, Fox.  
  
Meryl: Why do you guys go by animal names?  
  
Snake: My dad has war flashbacks, so we go by military codenames  
  
Big Boss: And the fact that Fox looks like he in the Vietcong army doesn't help!  
  
Fox: You enjoy senility, don't you?  
  
Snake: Well, come on in.   
  
Meryl: Hello mister...  
  
Snake: (whispers) Big Boss.  
  
Meryl: Big Boss.   
  
Natasha: Hey.  
  
Big Boss: Well hello little ladies. You know, if these knuckle heads don't make the cut, my rooms upstairs.   
  
Fox and Snake: Err...  
  
Big Boss: Let's eat.   
  
The group eats. Snake sits next to Meryl, Fox and Natasha, and Big Boss at the end of the table with an automatic rifle taped to the under side of the table about three inches to his left.   
  
Snake: So dad, hows your drink? (Evil glint in his eyes)   
  
Big Boss: It's a delicious coke, like the one I set at YOUR place. (insanely evil glint in his eyes)  
  
Snake: Somehow I don't feel comfortable.  
  
Meryl: Wow, this drink is strong.  
  
Fox: Yup.   
  
Natasha: Mine's milk... why am I the only person with a glass of milk?  
  
Fox: (takes a shot of whiskey) No reason.   
  
Snake started to piece things together. The drink, Meryl's, Fox being at the table.   
  
Big Boss: Oh, Snake, did you hear? Fox has a new Directional Microphone. He might of been listening in on you after we were chatting in the living room.  
  
Natasha: Why would he do that?  
  
Fox: Heh, no reason?   
  
Natasha: You're so cute when you fake innocence.  
  
Fox: Yeah, I know.   
  
Snake: (sinks into his seat) Not good...  
  
Meryl: What... (blinks) what's not good?  
  
Snake: Oh! The, uh, potatoes!   
  
Big Boss: (glares at him) Don't insult my cooking.  
  
Snake: Heheheheheh...  
  
Fox: Mm, good stuff. BURNS all the way DOWN.  
  
Snake: Shut up...  
  
Big Boss: Be polite to the guests.   
  
Meryl: Heehee, yeah Snake.   
  
Snake: (stomach grumbles) Oh man...  
  
Meryl: That didn't sound so good... heehee, I sound like a girl.   
  
Snake: Gottago. (He runs for the washroom)  
  
Fox: (takes a shot) Watch out for the trip wire I set.  
  
Snake: Huh? (Trips over it and lands in the washroom)  
  
A series of pops and explosions come from the washroom.  
  
Natasha: What the hell was that?!  
  
Fox: Oh, you know, Big Boss and his war flashbacks.   
  
Big Boss: We're under attack! (Winks at Fox)   
  
He grabs the gun and runs to the washroom, then fires off an entire clip.  
  
Big Boss: I'm good. Who wants desert?  
  
Natasha: Oh... my... God...  
  
Snake: (walks out, bloodied, bruised and reeking) You bastards.  
  
Fox: Any apple cobbler left?  
  
Big Boss: You had better believe it. Snake, you reek. Take a shower, I'll just get your lady friend a REFILL of that DRINK she had.   
  
Snake: You bastard!  
  
Big Boss: Oh, and no hug from you tonight.  
  
Snake: (walks back into the washroom mumbling vulgar things)   
  
Meryl: Heehee, I feel warm and tingly.   
  
Fox: Really? Ironically, the only french sentence I know is Menage A Trois.   
  
Natasha: Frank.   
  
Fox: Got it, backing off.  
  
A knock at the door.  
  
Fox: May as well get it.   
  
He get's it.  
  
Fox: Oh my God...  
  
He prays to God.  
  
Fox: Lazy ass narrator.   
  
Liquid: Oh daddy! Someone's got pent up rage!   
  
Big Boss: It had better not be my mail man! I had to kill the last one!  
  
Fox: No, it's Liquid. (sighs) And he's got REX.   
  
Natasha: Is that a bad thing?  
  
Big Boss: Holy crap!  
  
Fox: And he painted blue!  
  
Big Boss: Holy crap!  
  
Liquid: It's aqua you moron!  
  
Big Boss: Holy crap!  
  
Snake: (comes out wearing a towel) What did I miss?   
  
TO BE CONTINUED... HOLY CRAP!  
  
R/R, you know the routing. You read it, review me! 


	3. Family Crisis

Disclaimer: These are getting repetitive. I NO OWN KONAMI.  
  
**Teenage Wasteland**  
  
_Chapter 3: A Family Crisis_  
  
[Snake's Place]

Last off, Snake had been taken by Big Boss' trap, Solidus was off to the movies, Liquid snapped and Meryl is drunk off her ass. Let's see how this turns out. 

**Snake**: So, what did I miss?  
  
**Big Boss**: A chunk of crap on your shoulder.  
  
**Snake**: Damn! (Runs back into the washroom)  
  
**Fox:** Oh my god... you guys are twins?!  
  
**Liquid**: Of course we are! Now die!  
  
**Meryl**: Heehee, my face is red.  
  
**Liquid**: Would you shut the hell up and die with dignity?  
  
**Natasha**: Does this happen often?  
  
**Big Boss**: Every holiday with presents for the last six years or so.  
  
**Natasha**: Ah.  
  
**Liquid:** I never get anything!  
  
**Big Boss**: Then stop giving me viagra!  
  
**Liquid:** What the hell else do you people like?  
  
**Big Boss**: Hookers!  
  
**Snake**: (comes out of the washroom) Alright, got it. Not again, what did wee miss this time? The anniversary of your first ass kicking?  
  
**Liquid**: Shut up! I take all this to heart.  
  
**Natasha**: That's an understatement.  
  
**Fox**: Hmm, that's a better model than the one the Boss has in his warehouse. Where the hell did you get that one?  
  
**Liquid**: Snake's smart friend.  
  
**Snake**: (zipping up his jeans) Don't call Otacon a friend.  
  
**Big Boss**: Alright, let's do what we always do, and talk whoever the hell it is out of his fit.  
  
**Liquid**: That won't work this time!  
  
**Meryl**: Hee hee.  
  
**Snake**: You say that every damn time.   
  
**Liquid**: This time I mean it!  
  
**Snake**: You say THAT every damn time.  
  
**Liquid**: No, this time I REALLY mean it!  
  
**Snake**: That one too.  
  
**Liquid**: Alright, start the pep talk.  
  
**Fox:** Right.  
  
**Big Boss**: Alright, what pissed you off this time?  
  
**Liquid:** You people refuse to acknowledge me, even when I help you!  
  
**Big Boss**: You see, its because you whine like a little English girl.  
  
**Liquid**: Snake whines too!  
  
**Snake**: You poured hot coffee on my balls, what do you expect to happen?  
  
**Fox**: Excuses, excuses.  
  
**Snake**: Shut the hell up.  
  
**Big Boss**: And because you refuse to do any work.  
  
**Liquid**: My beautiful silky hair would be ruined!  
  
**Big Boss**: Act like a man!  
  
**Snake**: Use a better shampoo!  
  
**Big Boss**: And because you come off as gay.  
  
**Liquid**: It's the accent isn't it? I can't help that!  
  
**Snake**: We never even lived in England!  
  
**Liquid**: You sent me away to boarding school!  
  
**Big Boss**: Only because your teachers said they couldn't help your twisted little mind.  
  
**Snake**: We got you every time, man.  
  
**Liquid**: Dammit, I should pool ideas first!  
  
**Fox:** Like you pool you 'friend's' phone numbers?  
  
**Liquid**: I hate this family! When I'm in a high class residence I'll be laughing at you!  
  
**Big Boss**: And when your man leaves you because you're too feminine, I'll be the one laughing.  
  
**Liquid**: Bloody monster...

The door is flung open. **Solidus**: Bastard wouldn't let me in! Said I wasn't old enough for the porno. What did I miss?  
  
**Big Boss**: Liquid snapped again.  
  
**Snake**: Pretty much.  
  
**Fox**: I expect to get laid.  
  
**Natasha**: I wouldn't.  
  
**Fox**: Hell with this, I'm getting tanked.  
  
**Solidus**: Oh, Liquid. I managed to bring that blond kid back with me.  
  
**Raiden**: Hey Liquid!  
  
**Liquid**: (angles around behind Snake) Dear Lord, distract him or something.  
  
**Snake**: Hey Raiden. Been practising?  
  
**Fox:** (finishes Meryl's drink) The hell? You've been with him?!  
  
**Snake**: Now Fox, you're the only one!  
  
**Liquid**: And you call me gay?  
  
**Solidus**: You are gay!  
  
**Big Boss:** You smell out your own kind, eh?  
  
**Raiden:** Wow, you people are mean. Oh, I brought my girl Rose with me!  
  
**Liquid**: Thank you Jesus.  
  
**Rose**: Hello! Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise I'd be the prettiest girl here.  
  
**Meryl:** Bitch! (Tries to throw a knuckle in her face)  
  
**Snake**: Whoa, slow down girl!  
  
**Meryl**: I thought you liked a fast girl?  
  
**Snake**: Excuse us for moment.  
  
**Meryl**: You lost your chance.  
  
**Snake**: Shit!  
  
**Rose**: Jack, I don't like the skanks here...  
  
**Natasha**: Speak for yourself, bitch.  
  
**Raiden**: Ah, come on Rose, Liquid's the man!  
  
**Solidus**: Sure, assuming your looking for a good- (gets smacked on the head by Liquid)  
  
**Liquid**: Don't motivate him!  
  
**Raiden**: What does he mean, motivate him?  
  
**Snake**: You sure are slow, aren't you?  
  
**Raiden**: Hey Rose, he called me slow, what should I do?  
  
**Rose**: Hit him or something.  
  
Raiden walked towards Snake, going to give him a shot in the face. Fox caught him by the hair and took him down.  
  
**Fox**: You've done a shitty job on this kid.  
  
**Big Boss**: You want to hear about doing a shitty job on a kid? Listen to this. A couple years back, George over there wanted a coke. I told him to piss off. Some old bitch told me how to raise my kid. I told her to piss off. All the while, dipshit here stole a drink. The old bitch made another comment on my parenting. I showed her how responsible I was by taking the shit down and feeding him my boot. That hag ran for some help and I had to disappear her. Anyone want some coffee?  
  
**Solidus**: Thanks for brining up some painful memories.  
  
**Big Boss**: I was shocked when you stopped pissing the bed.  
  
**Liquid**: Ha!   
  
**Raiden**: Heheh, that is kind of funny.  
  
**Meryl**: Yup. My face is really tingly. Hee.  
  
**Natasha**: So, you trying to date rape her or something?  
  
**Snake**: I'd rather not, but if I can...  
  
**Meryl**: So your using me as a last resort?!   
  
**Fox**: You bet your fine ass on it!  
  
**Natasha**: Frankie!  
  
**Fox**: What?!  
  
**Big Boss**: Arg! I'm in a room with a bunch of idiots....  
  
**Liquid:** Dad?  
  
**Big Boss**: What is it?!  
  
**Liquid**: Were made from your DNA right?  
  
**Snake**: Don't be stupid! Of course we are...  
  
**Liquid**: Well I guess that make you an idiot as well, papa?  
  
**Big Boss**: ARG! (Walks out of the room chanting) Don't kill the boy, don't kill the boy.  
  
**Raiden**: HAAAHAAAHAAAA! Isn't that great liquid?!  
  
**Fox**: I guess I'll finally be able to kill that would be British pansy.  
  
**Raiden**: Your own dad wants you dead! Cool, huh?  
  
**Liquid**: You're a bloody idiot.  
  
**Snake**: Meryl, you okay now?  
  
**Meryl**: Don't even talk to me!  
  
**Snake**: Another drink?  
  
**Meryl**: Hit me.  
  
**Fox**: Damn, me and that chick would be a perfect couple. Drink?  
  
**Natasha**: Don't push your luck.  
  
**Fox**: Damn Slovak.  
  
**Natasha**: What was that?  
  
**Fox**: Kid's got no comeback.  
  
**Solidus**: That boy ain't right.  
  
**Big Boss**: Bad enough to pick a kid up, but his ditsy girl too? You got some fetish.  
  
**Solidus**: I'm going to sue you when I need money for therapy.  
  
**Big Boss**: I'll see you in court.  
  
**Solidus**: I don't need help yet.  
  
**Big Boss**: Oh, you do.  
  
**Solidus**: I hate you.  
  
**Big Boss**: It looks like we both got something in common, boy.  
  
**Snake**: Meryl, you want to get out of here?  
  
**Meryl**: Hee, sure. As long as I don't have to see that bitch.  
  
**Rose**: Ho!  
  
**Raiden**: Now girls, we don't want to be fighting...  
  
**Snake:** That girl puts out, don't she?  
  
**Raiden**: Damn right.  
  
**Rose**: Jack, not here!  
  
**Meryl**: Who's a ho now, ho?!  
  
**Rose**: You want some of this?!  
  
**Meryl**: I don't want what pansy boy already has!  
  
**Rose**: That's it! Jack, let's go!  
  
**Raiden**: See ya, Liquid!  
  
**Liquid**: Err, right.  
  
**Raiden**: (grabs his bag on the way back) See ya sir!  
  
**Big Boss**: (salutes) There goes a true American. 

They leave.

****

**Big Boss**: You can actually deal with that little turd?  
  
**Liquid**: I knocked around some guy who was trying to have his way with him.  
  
**Snake**: You're heroic.  
  
**Liquid**: Don't patronize me, I've got nothing you want.  
  
**Fox**: Maybe he wants some of that brotherly love.  
  
**Liquid**: You tanked?   
  
**Fox**: Well, I'm not sober.  
  
**Liquid**: I had figured as much.  
  
**Solidus**: Oh, shit!  
  
**Big Boss**: What's the problem, you late?  
  
**Solidus**: That kid swiped my (flips off Big Boss) bag!  
  
**Big Boss**: Oh, he has your bag alright.  
  
**Snake**: That's vicious.  
  
**Meryl**: That girl is going to get hers. hic  
  
**Solidus**: You don't understand! That has the identity of the Patriots in it!  
  
**Fox**: Not a football man I take it.  
  
**Solidus**: Not them!  
  
**Big Boss**: Patriots you say? Last I saw of them, they gave me the name Big Boss. I lost an eye in operation Snake Eater and I get a freaking codename. I HAD A DAMN CODENAME! I WAS SNAKE! YOU HEAR ME!?  
  
**Solidus**: I hear you. Do you hear me?  
  
**Big Boss**: MY HEARING'S GOING, SPEAK UP!  
  
**Snake**: Is that a bad thing?  
  
**Solidus**: I need those names to know who to kill!  
  
**Liquid**: Kill yourself.  
  
**Solidus**: (gives Liquid a shot to the head) And I won't be able to liberate the mindless masses of the United States of America!  
  
**Big Boss**: You want to liberate the masses? I want to create a land where our own are treated like heroes instead of baby killers! And I say to them, if I wanted to kill a baby, ain't none of you left alive in this room!  
  
**Liquid**: Senile fool.  
  
**Solidus**: I need that bag!

TO BE CONTINUED  
  
Thank you for reading, please review.


	4. Quality time

Disclaimer: Ok, this is the last time I'm saying this! Konami is not mine... Snake is not mine... that pair of underwear you lost is not at my place... well, about that...  
  
Teenage Wasteland  
Chapter 4: Quality Time.   
  
[City Park]  
  
Last off Snake took a shower to get all the shit off of him, Big Boss told one of his old war stories and wants Liquid dead. Raiden seemed to be giggling at the time.  
  
**Snake**: Does anyone else know why we're here?  
  
**Big Boss**: As a father they forced me to have quality time with you idiots.  
  
**Liquid**: (swinging on a swing set with all the joy in the world) Whee!Whee! Look at me papa, I'm swinging!  
  
**Snake**: Yeah, look at your cough retarded son who you shot in the head cough   
  
**Big Boss**: Better have that looked into. Sounds like you got a cold.  
  
**Fox**: Now or never. Let's go you queer Brit!  
  
He lunges at Liquid, who promptly swings past Fox, and smashes his German/Vietnamese head off a post.  
  
**Big Boss**: As I said- bunch of idiots! (Smacks himself in the face) Stay calm man, just stay calm!  
  
**Snake**: Calm down old man, your going to give yourself a heart attack.  
  
**Big Boss**: Now you warn me! (Clutches his chest and goes down)  
  
**Snake**: This is why I hate vacations. Damn, I have to nail Meryl!   
  
**Liquid**: Come on Snake, let's swing!  
  
**Snake**: And siblings.  
  
[Outside Rosemary's place]  
  
**Solidus**: So, this is where the little turd lives. Hah! It's great to be free of the old bastard and the little shits!  
  
An ambulance races by at a high speed, then does a complete U turn and parks next to Rose's place. The driver gets out and goes for a coffee across the street. Snake and Liquid jump out the back, Big Boss shouted at them.  
  
**Big Boss**: A damn heart attack isn't going to keep me from kicking your blond little ass you shit!  
  
**Snake**: Look, I'll get you a beer or something, so shut up.  
  
**Liquid**: Oh yes, we'll get you a beer. But since your in such bad shape, I'll make it a light beer. Like, I don't know... a _Coors_?  
  
**Big Boss**: Hmm, your math teacher was right. You _are_ evil.   
  
**Liquid**: Oh yes, I look out for my old man and I'm evil? I'll be sure to hasten your recovery by disposing _all_ of your pornography.   
  
**Snake**: Oh God. Now you did it.  
  
**Big Boss**: Oh yeah?! Your mother had a beard, you little shit! I thought her name was Herman! And I thought you were a girl! The doctor had to tell me you had an inverted penis!  
  
**Liquid**: You mean that's not normal??  
  
**Solidus**: Christ...  
  
**Snake**: Huh? What the hell are you doing here?  
  
**Solidus**: I'm stalking that pretty boy who wants to get in Liquid's pants!  
  
**Liquid**: We're at his place?!  
  
Raiden stuck his head out of a window.  
  
**Raiden**: Hey, Liquid! Hold on a sec so I can get some pants on and I'll be right down!   
  
**Snake**: The hell? He's having sex with that bimbo and he wants to see Liquid?  
  
**Solidus**: Actually, the girl and her mother drove off a while ago.  
  
**Snake**: Then who..?  
  
**Man's voice from inside**: Close that damp window, I'm getting a chill!  
  
**Raiden**: Alright sir.   
  
He ducks back inside and closes the window.  
  
**Solidus**: That isn't right. But when he comes out, I'm taking him down.  
  
**Liquid**: Remind me to do your laundry for a month.  
  
**Solidus**: You're doing my laundry for a month, jizz breath.  
  
**Liquid**: Go get stuffed, you tentacle assed _freak_!  
  
Solidus gives him a shot in the nose.  
  
**Liquid**: Damn, my immaculate facial features!  
  
**Snake**: Her father too..? The hell...  
  
**Big Boss**: Get me that beer dammit!  
  
**Snake**: Alright, I'm on it!  
  
He goes into the same corner store as the driver.  
  
**Raiden**: Hey Liquid!! Missed me that much?  
  
**Liquid**: (bleeding from the face) Hardly.  
  
**Raiden**: Oh my God, are you okay?! Let me kiss it and make it better...  
  
**Liquid**: Heheh, actually I think I'll let the paramedics do it.  
  
**Solidus**: Time to die, Patriot puppet!   
  
He electrocutes the crap out of Raiden and slams him face first into the asphalt.  
  
**Solidus**: I'm good.   
  
He enters the house.  
  
**Liquid**: Well, that was bloody enjoyable.  
  
**Ambulance Driver**: Oh my god, what happened to him?!  
  
**Liquid**: Hit and run with a vengeance, my good man.  
  
**Driver**: We have to get him to a hospital!  
  
**Liquid**: I don't think that would be a wise idea. He's too far gone as it is.  
  
**Driver**: Hurry up and help me get him in!  
  
**Liquid**: Fine, I'll aid you in moving his limp form, but that's as far as I'll take it!  
  
He takes Raiden into the ambulance and sets him next to Big Boss. The ambulance speeds off again.  
  
**Liquid**: Dear Christ! I'm stuck in an ambulance with a homosexual and my father!  
  
**Big Boss**: You think you have it hard? I'm in an ambulance with two homos.  
  
**Liquid**: Dammit...  
  
Back at Rose's   
  
**Snake**: (holding a beer) I hate my family. Well, off to Meryl's.  
  
He leaves, drinking his beer.  
  
[Back at the Park]  
  
**Fox**: Crap, my head. Where'd that blond fruit go!? Where the hell did _everyone_ go?  
  
**Russian Girl**: Look at what I've found.   
  
**Fox**: Cut the crap Olga, I'm busy.  
  
**Olga**: I'm sure you are. And I'm sure you know why my father's been sober for the last two weeks.  
  
**Fox**: Yeah, I do. It's because I'm a heavy drinker and Vodka hits the spot.  
  
**Olga**: My father now has the motor functions to abuse me, you American dog!  
  
**Fox**: Watch the language, Ivan bitch. Like you can take me on!  
  
**Olga**: I was born on the battlefield! Conflict and victory were my parents!  
  
**Fox**: Yeah? I served in the Gulf War!  
  
**Olga**: How in the hell did you serve in the Gulf War? You're not even twenty.  
  
**Fox**: My father was an asshole.   
  
**Olga**: That's harsh.  
  
**Fox**: Not as harsh as my biweekly 'Uncles' were to it.   
  
**Olga**: Alright, you win.  
  
**Fox**: You seen Big Boss and Snake anywhere?  
  
**Olga**: I think I saw them in an ambulance just now.  
  
**Fox**: I'll meet them at the hospital then.  
  
**Olga**: One last thing. You have a nice ass.  
  
**Fox**: I know.  
  
[Rose's Place]  
  
**Solidus**: At last, I have it... again! The names... of the Patriots!  
  
**Rose's Father**: (in nothing but a towel) Oh, you like the Patriots then?  
  
**Solidus**: I hate the Patriots! Why the hell don't you have pants?!  
  
**Father**: It's a free country.  
  
**Solidus**: No, it isn't. That's the point!  
  
Father: Really? I think it's so free I'll just drop this towel.  
  
He proceeds to do so.  
  
**Solidus**: Good thing I recharged this things battery...  
  
**Father**: Oh, there's going to be battery.  
  
**Solidus**: Damn these good looks!  
  
[En route to the hospital]  
  
**Big** **Boss**: Hmm, that boy.. I think I know him somehow...  
  
**Liquid**: Why does that line seem familiar?  
  
**Big Boss**: Why don't you shut up? I'm trying to rest here.  
  
**Liquid**: Why is it that you always–  
  
**Big Boss**: Your apparent homosexuality and whiny nature.  
  
**Liquid**: Right...   
  
Raiden comes around.  
  
**Raiden**: Hmm, Liquid, is that you?  
  
**Liquid**: No, now pass out.  
  
**Big Boss**: Liquid, shut the hell up.  
  
**Raiden**: Liquid?! It is you! I knew you loved me!  
  
**Big Boss**: YOU!!  
  
Raiden: Huh?  
  
**Big Boss**: Jackof Raidenvich, lover to Major Volgen! I remember you, you tried the same line on me back in Russia, during Operation Snake Eater!!  
  
**Raiden**: My name's Jack, and my nick name _is _Raiden...  
  
**Big Boss**: Liquid, he's a communist! Take him out!  
  
**Raiden**: He loves me, he wouldn't do that.  
  
**Liquid**: Actually–  
  
**Big Boss**: You love a communist!? Take yourself out!  
  
**Raiden**: No, I love you!  
  
**Liquid**: I HATE MY LIFE!!  
  
[Rose's Place]   
  
**Solidus**: Alright, I've got the list. Now to read it. 'Taste the one that is forever young.' That's a goddamn Pepsi add! Damn the Patriots!  
  
**Rose**: Oh my god! What did you do to my dad, and where's Jack!?  
  
**Solidus**: Old man tried to have his way with me, and I think that little tranny took off with my brother.  
  
**Rose's Mother**: That's it, you're gong down! (She bring a Spas 12 shotgun to bear)  
  
**Solidus**: Ah... fuck.   
  
She starts to blow the crap out of things while Solidus makes a quick getaway, using her husband's body as a shield.   
  
**Rose's Mom**: And stay out you miserable little shit!  
  
**Solidus**: That homo was sleeping with your daughter's little boyfriend!  
  
**Rose's Mom**: Well, so am I!  
  
**Solidus**: Damn seductive transsexual! That's it, I'm visiting Fortune.   
  
[Meryl's Place]  
  
Snake walks up to the door and rings the doorbell.  
  
**Snake**: Hope she's home...  
  
**Colonel Campbell**: Hey Dave.  
  
**Snake**: Hey Colonel.  
  
**Campbell**: Come on, that makes me feel like an old man. Call me Roy.  
  
**Snake**: I'll call you Roy when I have a full beard and kill my twin. Probably a mullet too.  
  
**Campbell**: Err, right. So, you're here to see Meryl?  
  
**Snake**: Yes. That or I took an interest in old men.  
  
**Campbell**: Really?!  
  
**Snake**: Where's Meryl? She has jugs.  
  
Campbell: Hey, one more check is all I need.  
  
**Snake**: Look, I have to deal with the threat of being raped everyday at my place. You can't scare me, old man.   
  
Snake lights up a cig.  
  
**Campbell**: Heh, thought I had you.  
  
**Snake**: Hell's gonna freeze over before you stop chasing skirts.  
  
**Campbell**: Hahaha, that's my goal. Come on in, I'll lend you some more of my 'books'.  
  
**Snake**: Score.  
  
They go inside. Snake sees Meryl on the couch watching TV.  
  
**Snake**: How's life, gorgeous?  
  
**Ocelot**: (coming back from the kitchen with a Pepsi) Watch what you call my woman, 'Snake'.  
  
**Snake**: What the fuck?! You're dating that freak?! He hangs out with my brother for Christ's sakes!  
  
**Meryl**: Look Snake, it was fun, but you aren't quite... oh hell, your whole family is trailer trash, you've been smoking since you were 9 and your best friend's a drunk bastard who lives with some mail order bride. And your brother is cool.  
  
**Snake**: I meant Liquid.  
  
**Meryl**: Oh, could you not mention that to anyone?  
  
**Snake**: Hell, if I told anyone you like Liquid, they'd just think I was trying to piss you off. And hell if it's Fox's fault that his dad ordered a 10 year old hooker and died before she got delivered!  
  
**Ocelot**: That's what happened? I thought she followed him home from the dump.  
  
Snake punches Ocelot in the nose.  
  
**Ocelot**: Dammit! You'll pay for that one, comrade!  
  
**Meryl**: See what I mean? Who the hell would punch a guy because he ripped on some poor girl?  
  
**Snake**: I punched him because he was dumb enough to get close to me after you dumped me!   
  
**Ocelot**: Not because she looks like she's constantly covered in dirt?  
  
Snake punches Ocelot again.  
  
**Ocelot**: Stop doing that, I'm not smart enough to lose my looks!  
  
**Snake**: Then you won't want to be near when my cig's pooched.  
  
**Meryl**: Snake, I think you should get out.   
  
**Snake**: Whatever.  
  
Snake walks out, putting his cigarette out on Ocelot.  
  
**Ocelot**: Arg, my good cheek!  
  
[Street]  
  
**Snake**: I will win her back.

Will Snake win her heart over? Review if you liked.


	5. Big Boss strikes

Teenage Wasteland  
5th Chapter

Summary: _Last off, Snake was dumped by Meryl for Ocelot, Big Boss suffered a mild heart attack, Liquid is stuck in an ambulance with his old man and Raiden, Solidus gave up on liberating the country and left for Fortune's and Fox is heading to the hospital._   
  
[Hospital Building]  
  
**Big Boss**: I ain't wearing that.  
  
**Doctor**: Sir, it's standard procedure for a patient to wear this.  
  
**Big Boss**: You mean victims have to wear dresses with no backs to them? There goes my patriotism. Chalk a point up for Outer Heaven.  
  
**Raiden**: Heehee, I get to wear a dress in front of Liquid! Rose's dad likes me in dresses too!  
  
**Liquid**: Oh God.  
  
**Big Boss**: Dammit boy, I was talking to you!  
  
**Liquid**: I, uh...   
  
He pulls out a notepad and jots down a point for Outer Heaven.  
  
**Big Boss**: Good boy. Here, go buy yourself a treat with this.  
  
He hands him a few dollars.  
  
**Liquid**: Thanks. I think.   
  
**Raiden**: Oh, you have enough to buy some pepsi!  
  
**Liquid**: A couple actually.  
  
**Raiden**: Not that pepsi, the other one!  
  
**Liquid**: You mean a 2L of pepsi?  
  
**Raiden**: I dunno. Is it pepsi?  
  
**Liquid**: ... yes.  
  
**Raiden**: Yup! We could split it!  
  
**Big Boss**: I think George did quite a number to his head. Better to it than in it I always say!  
  
**Liquid**: Did you just accuse him of giving people mental damage?  
  
**Big Boss**: Yup.  
  
**Liquid**: I assume you meant me.  
  
**Big Boss**: Damn right.  
  
**Liquid**: ... I'll go buy myself a pepsi.  
  
**Big Boss**: Good for you.   
  
Liquid leaves.  
  
**Raiden**: Aw, Liquid left.  
  
**Big Boss**: Then go with him! And don't forget to give him a big hug in public with lots of people watching!  
  
**Raiden**: Really?!  
  
**Big Boss**: Yup.   
  
**Raiden**: Alright, I'll go give him a big hug!  
  
He runs after Liquid.  
  
**Big Boss**: (shouting) Tell him it's another treat from his old man! I love my life.  
  
[Outside]  
  
**Raiden**: Hee hee!   
  
**Liquid**: Remove yourself from me. Now.  
  
**Raiden**: Nope. Your dad asked me to! He says its another treat!  
  
**Liquid**: Could this possibly be anymore embarrassing?   
  
Gray Fox walks up.  
  
**Fox**: Hey, love birds. Is Snake around?  
  
**Liquid**: Crap. No, he isn't. We dumped him off at Rose's place.   
  
**Fox**: Who the hell is Rose?  
  
**Liquid**: This freak's girlfriend.  
  
**Raiden**: She's not my only friend! I like Liquid too!  
  
**Fox**: Heheh, squeeze 'em good. Don't forget to work the ass!  
  
**Liquid**: I swear to god, when I get him off me I'll – AIIE!  
  
**Raiden**: Hee hee, I pinched.   
  
**Liquid**: Off, now.   
  
**Raiden**: Okay.  
  
**Fox**: Damn, there goes my fun. Ah hell, the old man might be inside.   
  
He goes inside.  
  
**Liquid**: Well, at least the worst part is over.  
  
**Emma**: Snap! Caught you!  
  
**Liquid**: Oh dear Christ.   
  
**Emma**: It's a pretty good photo, huh!   
  
**Raiden**: It's a good one! Can I have it?  
  
**Emma**: Nope! Gotta show my class first!  
  
**Raiden**: Alrighty then!  
  
**Emma**: Bye!  
  
**Raiden**: Bye!  
  
**Liquid**: I'm going inside. There has to some type of suicide drug in there.  
  
**Raiden**: I'll look for some too!  
  
**Liquid**: I hate being loved.  
  
[Inside the hospital]  
  
**Fox**: Reporting, sir!  
  
**Big Boss**: At ease.  
  
Fox belches.  
  
**Big Boss**: Too much to drink?  
  
**Fox**: Not enough. You know, that albino kid and Liquid make a good couple.  
  
**Big Boss**: Heh, yeah. I'm looking forward to many healthy grand kids.  
  
**Fox**: Heheheh.  
  
**Big Boss**: You know what would make this better?  
  
**Fox**: Morphine?  
  
**Big Boss**: Video evidence!  
  
**Fox**: Crap.  
  
**Big Boss**: Your skinny friend still a genius with the computer?  
  
**Fox**: Otacon? Yeah, I guess.  
  
**Big Boss**: Call him down.   
  
**Fox**: Evil is a brewing, and it's a malt.   
  
**Big Boss**: You compare everything with beer?  
  
**Fox**: Just the essentials.  
  
[Fortune's Place]  
  
**Solidus**: Someone damn better answer the door, looks like it's gonna rain.  
  
A raindrop hits his shoulder. His suit zaps him.  
  
**Solidus**: AAH! Damn, that hurt!  
  
The rain falls heavily.  
  
**Solidus**: AAAHHHH!!  
  
[Inside]  
  
**Fortune**: Got it!  
  
She opens the door, and a nude Solidus jumps inside.  
  
**Fortune**: What the hell?! What happened to your clothing?!  
  
**Solidus**: (covering his balls) Take a look for yourself.  
  
She looks behind her, and sees his ruined and half melted suit.  
  
**Fortune**: Why the hell do you even wear that?  
  
**Solidus**: It's simple. I hate lines.  
  
**Fortune**: What?  
  
**Solidus**: Ever since I was a boy, I hated waiting in lines. I swore to myself I would find a way to rid myself of lines forever. So I had that suit made for me. But that didn't end it, oh no. I realized that the lines were created by the Patriots! That they wanted me to suffer! Thus I began my conquest to free the United States of AMERICA!!  
  
Cue Patriotic music.  
  
**Fortune**: Why is it you have a life story for everything?  
  
**Solidus**: It's simple, really. My dad never listened to me as a boy.  
  
**Fortune**: I see–  
  
**Solidus**: All day long I would try to get my daddy's attention, but he never looked. He was always impressed with my little brother's drunk friend! They served together in The gulf war, you know.   
  
**Fortune**: I–  
  
**Solidus**: So I swore, one day, I would get my fathers attention by liberating the United States of AMERICA!!  
  
Cue patriotic music.  
  
**Fortune**: Come inside. I'll get you some pants.  
  
**Solidus**: Right then. Plot later.   
  
**Vamp**: My god, he's hung like an elephant!!  
  
**Solidus**: Damn right!   
  
**Fortune**: Uh, yeah... it's a nice size.  
  
**Solidus**: A nice size?! I could kill you with this!  
  
**Fortune**: Right...  
  
[Somewhere in Africa]  
  
**Elephant**: Hahahaha, you're hung like a human!  
  
**Elephant2**: Shut the hell up.  
  
[Fortune's Place]  
  
**Solidus**: Make with the pants, I hate being gawked at.  
  
**Fortune**: Right.  
  
**Vamp**: Holy crap! Hack you off at the ankles and you'd be a tripod!  
  
**Solidus**: You're really, really bothering me.  
  
Vamp continues to stare wide eyed.  
  
**Fortune**: Got the pants.  
  
**Solidus**: Gimmethepants!  
  
He hops into them.  
  
**Solidus**: Much better.  
  
**Vamp**: You can see the bulge in his pants!  
  
**Fortune**: That's it, get out!  
  
She shoves him out the door.  
  
**Solidus**: That's better.  
  
**Fortune**: So, what brings you here?   
  
**Solidus**: Well, you see...  
  
**Fortune**: Look, the short version.  
  
**Solidus**: Man took off towel and came after me.  
  
**Fortune**: You poor baby!  
  
She hugs him.  
  
**Solidus**: Now that's affection!  
  
[Outside]  
  
**Vamp**: (staring in through the window) Take the pants off...  
  
[Hospital]  
  
**Snake**: My life sucks so hard.  
  
**Liquid**: You think you have it bad? I have photo's of my ass being squeezed by a man in a dress circulating.   
  
**Raiden**: I like Liquid best because I saw him beat up Ocelot for making fun of his hair.  
  
**Liquid**: Heheh, yeah. That was a good day.  
  
**Snake**: Ocelot?!  
  
**Liquid**: Yeah, he starting crying like a little girl too.  
  
**Raiden**: He was heroic. I like heroes.  
  
**Snake**: Liquid, could you kick his ass again!?  
  
**Liquid**: At the drop of a hat.  
  
**Snake**: Well... I was at Meryl's earlier...  
  
**Liquid**: What else is new?  
  
**Snake**: And Ocelot was down there.  
  
**Liquid**: You were dumped by a girl who has to think for a few seconds to remember whether or not she has a dick when she goes to take a leak!  
  
**Snake**: ... don't... kill... the fruit..!  
  
**Liquid**: Go ahead and kill him. Saves me from his hugs.  
  
**Raiden**: You want a hug?  
  
**Liquid**: Dear lord no!  
  
Raiden clamped onto him.  
  
**Liquid**: Dear Christ.   
  
**Snake**: Anyways... did those shadows just move?  
  
**Liquid**: Did I just get hugged?!  
  
**Raiden**: Of course you did, silly.  
  
**Liquid**: I have worse things on my mind.  
  
Someone in the room giggles.  
  
**Snake**: Someone's in the room!  
  
**Liquid**: Enjoying the view I bet. We're in a damn storage room. Probably just rats.  
  
**Snake**: Well, I wouldn't want anyone spying on us.  
  
**Liquid**: Could you lend me a hand? I'm having a hard time getting him off.  
  
More stifled giggles.  
  
**Snake**: Something isn't right...  
  
**Liquid**: Where his genitals are on my ass!  
  
**Raiden**: Hee hee!  
  
A stealth shadow leaves the room, then uncloaks.   
  
**Fox**: (holding a camcorder) Perfect.  
  
[Back in the room]  
  
**Snake**: Anyhow, when I was down there, he burnt you to a crisp.  
  
**Liquid**: He did what?!  
  
**Snake**: Said you were so gay that even Vamp wouldn't stoop down to your level.  
  
**Liquid**: Jack, off. Now.  
  
**Raiden**: Okay.  
  
He dismounts.   
  
**Liquid**: That's it, I'm killing Ocelot.   
  
**Raiden**: Can I watch? Can I?!  
  
**Liquid**: Yes you can. Time to kick some commie ass!  
  
They leave.  
  
**Snake**: Heheheh, she'll be mine in no time.  
  
[In another room of the hospital]  
  
**Otacon**: You guys are so bad.  
  
**Fox**: I do my best.  
  
**Big Boss**: Let's see what you got.  
  
They play back the altered video.  
  
**Liquid**: Could you lend me a hand? I'm having a hard time getting him off!  
  
**Snake**: ... don't...  
  
**Liquid**: Enjoying the view I bet.  
  
**Snake**: Something isn't right...  
  
**Liquid**: Where his genitals are on my ass!!  
  
Big Boss hits the stop button.  
  
**Big Boss**: Perfect. They'll be declared gay in no time.  
  


To Be Continued


	6. Eat this Snake

Teenage Wasteland 6th Chapter 

Recap: Last off, Big Boss and Fox altered a video of Liquid, Snake and Raiden in an awkward moment. Now, they intend to leak this video out to the public. Snake is still trying to win Meryl back over.

WARNING: Contains spoilers for Snake Eater. You've been warned.

Hospital

**Big Boss**: What the hell is this, piss?

**Nurse**: Its apple juice.

**Big Boss**: I asked for a goddamn beer!

**Nurse**: This is a hospital, sir, we don't allow alcoholic beverages in here.

**Big Boss**: And you expect people to come back here?

**Nurse**: Unless they want to die.

**Big Boss**: Oh, I get what your little plan is. You drug us up and hire a guy to bash our legs after we get out, don't you? Chalk another point up for Outer Heaven, boy!

**Fox**: ... me?

**Big Boss**: Dammit Frank, you find that cream puff and you tell him to chalk up a point for Outer Heaven.

**Fox**: Understood. Commencing operation Find Fruit.

He leaves, sneaking out.

**Nurse**: If you don't want the juice, I can bring it back.

**Big Boss**: Give me the damn juice.

**Otacon**: Can I have some juice?

Outside

**Liquid**: Alright, it's go in, kick ass, and leave. Are we clear on that?

**Snake**: I gotcha.

**Raiden**: Can we go shopping on the way?

**Liquid/Snake**: No.

**Raiden**: You guys are mean. But I still like you!

**Snake**: The plural 'you', or were you only referring to Liquid?

**Raiden**: ... what?

**Liquid**: Give up, the boy doesn't understand half of the things we say. He smiles and utters some nonsensical crap about liking me. Observe.

**Raiden**: That was funny, I like Liquid!

**Snake**: I bet your father was a gay Russian lover to a fifty-some ex-boxing champion who piloted the original Metal Gear.

**Liquid**: Must you ruin the plot for Snake Eater?

**Snake**: Ocelot is ADAM.

**Liquid**: Shut the hell up!

**Snake**: Whatever, let's go.

Fox drops from a few floors up, landing on Liquid.

**Fox**: First objective, subduing target, accomplished.

**Snake**: And you're how old?

**Raiden**: No! You hurt Liquid!

He enters a ridiculous looking combat stance.

**Fox**: You have to be joking.

Raiden tornado kicks Fox, knocking him over.

**Snake**: That, I never saw coming.

Fox gets up.

**Fox**: That's it, you're going down, boy!

**Raiden**: I'm a black belt in three different martial arts!

**Fox**: I studied close quarter combat under Big Boss.

He puts his dukes up.

**Snake**: Well, since they're occupied...

Raiden throws a punch, which Fox grabs. He then breaks Raiden's arm, and flips him onto his back.

**Fox**: Got you.

He draws a berretta and levels it at Raiden's head.

**Fox**: Give my old man my regards... in Hell.

Hospital

**Otacon**: We need a way to show this to a lot of people at once.

**Big Boss**: I have a plan.

**Otacon**: Oh God...

Big Boss draws an MK22 hushpuppy.

**Big Boss**: I go out, randomly tranquillize civilians, and bring them to some sort of... house that you store wares in, and cut out their eyelids. Then, soak them in gasoline and threaten to burn them to death if they don't watch the video. Then torch the.

Otacon stares, utterly terrified.

**Big Boss**: Not enough?

**Otacon**: What the hell is wrong with you?!

**Big Boss**: Alright then. No sympathy for the innocent. How about I...

**Otacon**: NO! That was the most disturbing thing I EVER heard! Why- HOW could you do that to someone?

**Big Boss**: On the battlefield, sanity is nothing. After a week, no one is sane.

**Otacon**: God, you're evil!

**Big Boss**: Beat Snake Eater and say that.

**Otacon**: Isn't that a Lorenzo Lamas flick?

Big Boss' eye twitches.

**Otacon**: Never mind. How about you play it during that youth centre thing?

**Big Boss**: The youthful have a centre?

**Otacon**: You don't get out much.

**Big Boss**: I've been back in the country for a few months.

**Otacon**: Where are you usually at?

**Big Boss**: Selling my services to the highest bidder, killing Russians, forming a covert ops unit known only as FOX-HOUND, organizing and running a military nation somewhere in Africa, one in Asia... that's about it.

**Otacon**: You get around, don't you?

**Big Boss**: Yup.

He lights up a cigar.

**Otacon**: I don't think you can do that here.

**Big Boss** blows smoke in Otacon's face.

**Otacon**: You, sir, are baddass.

**Big Boss**: Yup. Let's get to that youth centre. Commencing Operation 'Youth Eater'.

**Otacon**: Can't you think of anything original?

**Big Boss**: Commencing Operation "Virtuous Centre."

**Otacon**: Again, you're only stealing from Snake Eater.

**Big Boss**: I thought you didn't know what it was?

**Otacon**: What?

**Big Boss**: Snake Eater.

**Otacon**: The movie?

Big Boss drops Otacon with CQC and leaves, snatching the tape.

Meryl's

Snake kicks an unconscious Liquid.

**Snake**: Wake up, blondie.

**Liquid**: What? Where are we?

**Snake**: Your new home.

Liquid gets up.

**Liquid**: Shut the Hell up.

**Snake**: Meryl's place.

**Liquid**: This is it? You used to talk about being at her place, but I always thought you made it up and nailed her in a trailer park.

Snake punches him in the face.

**Liquid**: Arg, Christ! Why are we even here?

**Snake**: Ocelot's inside.

**Liquid**: Really? I figured being in a house with a democratic colonel would bother him some.

**Snake**: Ocelot works for the CIA.

**Liquid**: SHUT UP.

**Snake**: Right, right.

Liquid kicks the door in and enters.

**Snake**: Alright, let's see how fast this goes.

Ocelot is thrown out of a window on the second story.

**Snake**: Not even fifteen seconds?

Liquid leaps out of the window, landing next to Ocelot.

**Snake**: This should be good.

Youth Centre

**Solidus**: Everybody, get ready for the party tonight, we can't have anyone fall behind.

**Fortune**: You mean in the literal sense, or fall behind in the schedule.

**Solidus**: ... you're being serious aren't you?

**Fortune**: Yes, why wouldn't I be?

**Solidus**: Hey, Vamp.

**Vamp**: What is it, boss?

**Solidus**: Entertain the brilliant young lady for the rest of the evening. I want to make the deadline.

**Fortune**: That was rude.

**Solidus**: No, it wasn't.

**Fortune**: My bad.

**Solidus**: Hey, Raven!

**Raven**: My name is Larry, thank you very much.

**Solidus**: Shut the hell up and get the sound system working.

**Raven**: (muttering) Damn white man...

**Solidus**: Mantis! Stop floating around and get to work!

**Mantis**: You actually expect me to lift this thing?

He gestures to a large speaker.

**Solidus**: Lift it with your mind, dumbass!

**Mantis** (flipping off Solidus) Lift this...

Meryl struts in.

**Meryl**: Hey, have you seen Snake?

**Solidus**: If he isn't with you, I don't have any damn clue as to where he is.

**Meryl**: If you see him, tell him to stop by at my place.

**Solidus**: Whatever.

**Meryl**: See ya then.

Hospital

**Fox**: Damn, he's gone. Where the hell could Snake have dragged him?

He drops to one knee and presses his hand against his ear.

**Fox**: This is Frank.

**Big Boss**: (via codec) What do you want?

**Fox**: The fruit ran off with Dave.

**Big Boss**: What about Raikov?

**Fox**: ... a Russian?

**Big Boss**: The blonder kid!

**Fox**: Oh, I iced him.

**Raiden**: No you didn't.

**Fox**: ... I'll call you back.

He gets up and turns around.

**Fox**: I won't ask, but you damn well better explain.

**Raiden**: Do you know where Meryl lives?

**Fox**: How could that be relevant to anything, in any way?

**Raiden**: That's where Liquid went. Do you know how to get there?

**Fox**: Yes. Yes I do.

He caps Raiden.

**Fox**: Meryl's place, eh?

Street

Big Boss is jogging down a street, wearing his Snake camo. A car swerves out in front of him and hits the brakes.

**Big Boss**: Learn to drive, asshole!

He makes a rude gesture. The door opens and a man with a brilliant resemblance to Raiden comes out.

**Big Boss**: Raikov?!

**Raikov**: Snake, I've been looking for you. For over twenty years, really.

**Big Boss**: I bet. My ass is just that fine, is it?

**Raikov**: Fine as your ass is, I'm here to avenge the colonel!

**Big Boss**: Volgin? You want revenge for that sadist freak?

**Raikov**: He was my one and only.

**Big Boss**: I may have figured that out when he rearranged my face. Wait, didn't I blow your ass away with a shotgun?

**Raikov**: You blew smoke in my face.

**Big Boss**: Ah, right. The cigar with the knockout gas. I loved that thing. Then I smoked it accidentally... the rest is kind of hazy... the boys had to live in a foster home for a while.

**Raikov**: You have kids?

**Big Boss**: Yup. An older boy and twins. The one is kinda off though, may or may not be interested in the same gender. A HOMOsexual, you could say.

**Raikov**: Are you making fun of me?

**Big Boss**: That depends... on what you like going up your ass.

**Raikov**: That's it! Let's go!

He enters the same stance as Raiden.

**Big Boss**: Now I'll show you why I earned the code 'Big Boss'.

He enters his combat stance.

**Raikov**: Did you sleep with the President?

**Big Boss**: Wha- No! I didn't even want to shake his damn hand!

**Raikov**: The President shook your hand for killing Volgin?!

**Big Boss**: Volgin and... wait, why am I not killing you?

**Big Boss** equips the Raiden Mask.

**Raikov**: Whoa...

He walks up to Big Boss.

**Raikov**: What a beautiful man...

Big Boss throws a few punches into Raikov's face, then spin kicks him off his feet. The older man takes off the mask and tosses it to Raikov, who gets up.

**Raikov**: That was a dirty trick.

**Big Boss**: On the battlefield, you can... why the hell am I coaching you? I'm going to kill you!

**Raikov**: Try me!

He throws a punch at Big Boss, who blocks it and sends another one into the blond man's face, then grabs a hold of his arm. He kicks him in the stomach savagely, and darts around behind him. He equips the survival knife and brings it to Raikov's neck.

**Big Boss**: Speak!

**Raikov**: I once made love to a bird!

Big Boss slits his throat.

**Big Boss**: No wonder The End was so pissed of...

Something deceptive is afoot, and Snake may be in for a surprise. Next time, in the final chapter.

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	7. Party night in Hell

Teenage Wasteland

END

Recap: Big Boss is heading towards the youth centre to humiliate two of his sons. Fox is chasing Liquid, who is currently beating Ocelot like a drum. Raiden is a moron, and Meryl is up to something.

Meryl's

Liquid takes a shot to the face, then throws a hook into Ocelot's cheek. The two of them step back, and draw handguns.

**Ocelot**: This is the Colt Single Action Army. With six shots, it had more than enough stopping power to kill anything that screws.

**Snake**: Liquid, hear that? You can't lose

**Liquid**: Shut the hell up!

Snake snickers.

**Liquid**: This is the Berretta M93R, with three-round bursts. Make my day, commie.

A tranquillizer dart strikes Liquid in the neck.

**Liquid:** Mommy?

He falls, unconscious. Fox steps over.

**Fox**: Mission, accomplished. Time to take you to back to the old man.

**Snake**: That's genius. I'm about to win Meryl back and you shoot him in the neck?

**Ocelot**: HA! Like you could have won her over me!

A tranq dart strikes him in the neck.

**Ocelot**: Ah, dammit...

He passes out.

**Fox**: Look, if you had to use THAT piece of work to win her over, you're better off without. What the hell were you going to do anyway? Lend him to her, and seem better by comparison?

**Snake**: Well, I was using to kill her current boyfriend, actually.

**Fox**: ...

**Snake**: ...

**Fox**: How in the hell did you expect that to work?

Snake lights up a smoke.

**Snake**: He kills Ocelot, she loses all respect for him.

**Fox**: He's dead, all the while, and you thought she'd come running back to you?

**Snake**: Good point.

**Fox**: Let's drag the fruit off to the old man.

They start dragging him off.

**Snake**: How'd you find us, anyway?

**Fox**: The other kid told me.

**Snake**: Raiden? How is he?

**Fox**: Not that bad, last I saw...

Youth Centre

**Solidus**: Alright, we have everything set up. Anybody got anything to say before I get the hell away from you freaks?

**Wolf**: You're old man is running this way.

**Solidus**: Really?

**Fortune**: Yup, got some blood on his coat too.

**Solidus**: Well, he's having one of his war flashbacks. Hold on a second.

He gets on the stage and grabs a microphone.

**Solidus**: Everyone, please pay attention. My psychotic and armed old man is running this way, looking for hallucinated Communists to kill. That's all of you. Please evacuate in an orderly fashion.

**Vamp**: OH MY GOD! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

The entire room panics and floods out of the building.

**Solidus**: Showing down with the old man, eh? Wish I had my suit on.

He draws his F90 riffle.

**Solidus**: Ah well.

Outside

**Big Boss**: Where in the hell is everyone going?

He steps inside and looks about. Then begins to sprint across the room as his son opens fire on him. He upturns a table and ducks under it.

**Solidus**: Like hell you are!

He blows away the table. All that remains is a cardboard with plumes of smoke coming out of it.

**Solidus**: Huh, where'd he go?

Big Boss flips the box over and lobs an incendiary white phosphorous grenade at his son.

**Solidus**: Oh, shit!

Solidus jumps off the stage and rolls under a table. He reloads and looks around for his old man.

**Solidus**: Gone??

A grenade rolls under the table.

**Solidus**: Shit!

He dives out from under the table and starts sprinting towards the front door. He stops dead when he sees a few C4 planted around the door.

**Solidus**: No way!

Big Boss jumps on a table across the room, armed with an M63. He opens fire.

**Big Boss**: HAAAAAAA!!!

Solidus ducks for cover, exchanging gunfire with his old man. He lobs a stun grenade over, catching his old man off guard. The C4 on the wall behind him explodes, throwing him over a few chairs.

**Solidus**: Damn... he earned that codename...

Big Boss looms over him with his M63.

**Big Boss**: Don't move, punk.

Hospital

**Snake**: Why's there a big patch of blood right here?

**Fox**: Hell is I know. Let's get him inside.

**Snake**: Wait a second.

Snake kicksLiquid in the head.

**Snake**: Get up!

Liquid sits up, confused.

**Liquid**: Wha..? God, I HATE being knocked out! What happened to Ocelot?

**Snake**: Uh, you kicked his ass.

**Liquid**: Really?

**Fox**: Yup. And he killed that kid in the process.

**Liquid**: Hot damn!

He gets up.

**Liquid**: Let's get over to the Youth Centre. There's a big party going on over there.

**Fox**: First things first... chalk up a point for Outer Heaven!

**Liquid**: What?

**Fox**: Do it.

**Liquid**: Whatever.

He chalks up a point for Outer Heaven.

**Snake**: A party? With booze?

**Liquid**: Obviously no booze, it's mostly teens.

**Fox**: That means to get loaded before you show up. Anyhow, I'd better report to the old man.

He drops onto one knee.

**Fox**: Big Boss, this is Frank. Mission, accomplished.

He gets up.

**Fox** We're good to go.

**Snake**: I wonder is Meryl's going to show up?

**Liquid**: Like that matters.

**Snake**: Shut up.

Centre

**Big Boss**: What have we got here? You on drugs, boy? If you are, so help me God..!

**Solidus**: I'm not on anything! I thought you went psycho!

**Big Boss**: What the hell would've given you that impression?

**Solidus**: You running like a lunatic in the middle of the street, shirt bloody and toting a gun? Thought you were having a war flashback.

**Big Boss**: Hey, the gun and the blood are because I killed an old friend of mine.

**Solidus**: An old friend you thought died in the Cold War, and mysteriously just showed up and threatened your life?

**Big Boss**: That's what happened.

**Solidus**: You're a piece of work, old man. Take your pills recently?

**Big Boss**: No. Unlike you, I have a moral objection to sticking pills in my mouth and gagging them down.

Solidus twitches.

**Solidus**: Why are you scarring me?!

**Big Boss**: Don't like scars? How about killing the woman you thought of as your mother on a whim, because your country was embarrassed that they screwed up an international affair?!

**Solidus**: Damn the Patriots!

**Big Boss**: What was that?

**Solidus**: Uh, nothing. So, what are you doing here?

**Big Boss**: I got a video for you to play at the party tonight.

**Solidus**: ... right.

Big Boss helps his son up and gives him the video.

**Big Boss**: Wait for Dave to show up before you play that, alright?

He leaves. Solidus looks at the mess they made out of the Centre. Flames off to one corner, the door gone, tables and chairs upturned and shot to pieces...

**Solidus**: Well, better get on the phone.

Street

**Fox**: Hold on a second.

**Liquid**: Now what is it? I want to brag about beating the commie into submission.

**Snake**: Yeah, what's with the holdup?

Fox lowers his gun.

**Fox**: Sorry, reflex. Like I was saying, I've got to pick up my girl.

**Liquid**: The Czech exchange student? That, uh...

**Snake**: Natasha.

**Liquid**: Right, that Natasha girl?

**Fox**: Yes.

**Snake**: Alright, whatever.

**Liquid**: What's the problem, Dave? Ashamed your girlfriend dumped you?

**Snake**: Not as ashamed as you ought to be. Half of the town thinks you're gay.

**Liquid**: ... shut the hell up.

**Fox**: She lives right here. I'll be a minute.

He goes up to the door.

**Liquid**: So...

**Snake**: Yup...

**Liquid**: Do anything, uh, interesting lately?

**Snake**: I pissed all over your bed so the old man'll think you wet the bed.

**Liquid**: ... bastard.

Fox and Natasha walk up.

**Natasha**: Hey guys!

**Liquid**: Hey.

**Snake**: Ms. Markova...

**Fox**: Let's get this done.

Centre

**Solidus**: Alright, the old man tore the whole thing down. We're restarting from scratch.

The crowd gives an audible groan.

**Mantis**: Are you serious?!

**Solidus**: YES. NOW GET TO WORK!!

The crows gets to work, pissed off.

**Solidus**: I love my job.

Street

The group came upon the body of Raikov.

**Fox**: Looks like the kid.

He crouches next to the corpse.

**Fox**: Throat was slit. Died of massive blood loss...

**Natasha**: That's the most horrible thing I've ever seen!

**Snake**: My childhood would've driven you insane.

**Liquid**: My life would drive you insane.

Snake notices the Raiden Mask next to him.

**Snake**: I'm not even going to guess what happened...

**Liquid**: I'd say that someone was raped.

**Natasha**: Oh my god!

**Snake**: Shut the hell up, Liquid...

**Fox**: I guess we'll never know what happened.

Big Boss walks by.

**Big Boss:** I killed him.

He keeps on walking.

**Fox**: Well, this chapter of our lives is coming to a close. Let's get to that party.

Big Boss comes back.

**Big Boss**: Forgot my mask.

He picks it up.

**Big Boss**: So, where are you kids heading?

**Snake**: We're off to that party.

**Liquid**: Yup.

**Big Boss**: You kids stay out of trouble.

**Snake**: Of course.

**Big Boss**: If you get tanked, don't have sex in my house.

He leaves.

**Natasha**: Was that last bit at me?

Later that night, at the PARTY!!!

Natasha and Fox are making out near Snake and Liquid.

**Snake**: This is so dull...

**Liquid**: Well, no ones propositioned me yet, so I can't complain.

**Snake**: Only men proposition you.

**Liquid**: That's why the night is going so well.

Raven walks up.

**Raven**: Hello, boss. I, uh...

**Liquid**: I'm not gay.

**Raven**: Damn.

He walks away.

**Snake**: You poor bastard.

**Liquid**: Shut up.

Rose walks up.

**Rose**: Hey! Have you guys seen Jack? I've been looking for him for a few minutes. He said he was going to show up.

**Liquid**: I haven't seen him.

**Snake**: Neither have I.

**Rose**: Ah, man. Oh well, I'll ask that guy with the knives.

She walks off.

**Liquid**: Heh, she doesn't even realize Ocelot offed him.

**Snake**: Uh, yeah... Ocelot.

**Liquid**: Don't look now, Meryl's heading this way.

**Snake**: Meryl?!

He goes off to talk to her.

**Liquid**: Damn.

Mei-Ling walks up.

**Mei**: Hey Liquid!

**Liquid**: Hey.

**Mei**: I've had way too much to drink! Wanna screw?

**Liquid**: Yes.

With Snake

**Snake**: Uh, Meryl...

**Meryl**: Dave! There you are! I've been looking all over for you.

**Snake**: Really? This doesn't have anything to do with Ocelot, right?

**Meryl**: I haven't seen him in a while. But, being with him made me realize something.

**Snake**: And that is?

**Meryl**: I love you.

She starts to kiss him. Snake makes a victory gesture behind her back.

**Solidus**: May I have everyone's attention?

Everyone turns to Solidus.

**Snake**: What the hell does he want?

Solidus clears his throat.

**Solidus**: Before this popular contemporary rock group performs, I've been asked to play this video. Here goes.

He plays the video.

**Snake**: ... oh, God...

Snake Residence

Big Boss is sitting in a recliner, drinking.

**Big Boss**: I like to think of myself as a good father.

He lights up a cigar.

FIN


End file.
